It's the end of the semester... :( We're studying for exams, turning in last minute projects, and packing up the dorm rooms. I've gotten to the point that I have only three more exams and I've just taught my last lesson at Oakdale. I have now turned to my dorm room. I cannot tell you how much I am a pack rat and how many things end up in places that I didn't know existed.

I had literally every wall covered with posters, pictures, and other things just EVERYWHERE! I have to take it all down too. :( I've managed to fill three boxes with pictures, books, knick knacks, pillows, blankets, and other stuff. I have, left, to pack the essential things, my bedding, bath and kitchen stuff, trash cans, clothes, the couch, foot stools, shelving units, and my fridge. It's quite a lot to move and I'm not thrilled about it. And the fact that we're moving is a problem too. What do I do with it all? Normally I would put it all in the attic and just leave it there for the summer but now that Mom is trashing the attic and putting everything AND anything in boxes, I have to put the boxes in my room and just let it all sit in the corner. It's a sad fate for the boxes and the state of my room will be horrible soon. It will have at least 6 boxes, all three of my suitcases, and tons of shelving just sitting around waiting to be moved to a new home. And me with it.

But it's interesting how things just come to an end and we can't stop it. Today is the third day of May of the year two thousand and ten and I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed! I sound like a broken record with that but I can't help it! I didn't realize how quickly time has passed! This time last year I was preparing to go to London and spend 7 weeks in foreign countries! And I'm currently reading the Gemma Doyle series by Libba Bray and in it they are in London and they're mentioning places that I know! And I only know them because I spent all that time there discovering new places in a new city in a new country. And now I've already spent my time there and I wish so desperately to go back... It's just amazing that this year I'm moving to a new home and how easily time just flies by and I don't even realize it...

Graduation is even this Saturday. I'm not graduating until May of next year but under my classification in my academic records, I'm listed as a senior because I've taken so many credits. That makes me feel so old! I cannot believe that my time in college is almost over... :( I love school and I know I'm not ready to leave it yet... Maybe that's why I'm becoming a teacher. ^-^ I even have my three month anniversary with my boyfriend this Saturday, that is how much time has flown by. I can't believe it... I also have to say goodbye to my friends who are graduating and make plans with my other friends to do things over the summer, plan things for next school year, and just generally make sure we stay in touch while we all go our separate ways for three months. I am honestly ready to do nothing for a while but I know I will regret that after only a few weeks into summer. I manage to get myself in a vicious cycle where I can't wait for school to be over, have fun with no school for a while, wish I was back in school, then dread the end of summer, happy to be back at school, then hate to be back at school, and wait until the next break. It's a cycle that is never ending and oddly very comforting to know that I know what my life will be like. And yet, I don't want to know. I don't know... :(

But I know one of the last things to come down in my dorm will be my star lights hanging in my window. They are on a timer and are on from 6 PM until about 6 AM. They are a comfort and joy to me and I love my stars. They will be the last thing to be remembered from my junior year of college... I cannot wait for the next part of my life to begin and yet I don't want to leave the comfort of what I already know behind...

Every year within the last couple weeks of school, Project EXCEL will put together a Graduation Gala to honor the graduates of the year and recognize their accomplishments in the admirable program. This time last year I had been recognized as a junior to receive one of the three Project EXCEL Merit Scholarships. I had hoped, very much, for my parents to be present at that ceremony because it truly was an announcement of honor in my life. It was the first scholarship I have ever received, or even felt reason of earning.

Today was a whirlwind.

I was getting ready for the Excel Graduation Gala around lunch time and I got a phone call saying that I had to pick up a package at the door. I have never received a package at the front desk in the four years that I have been here so I really didn’t know what it was… perhaps flowers, a balloon, edible arrangement… I didn’t know

But I had a really big hope.

[[ In these last few weeks of school I had hoped someone in my family would surprise me because of the senior thesis reception and choir concerts that I’ve been working so hard for. ]]

Well when I got to the front desk I told the officer on duty that I was there to pick up a package. He looked around for something like it was dropped off in a weird place and then said I had to walk around the corner to pick it up. [[I knew someone was here.]] As soon as I saw my parents sitting down I began crying. I couldn’t believe they were here. One of the first things I said was ‘this isn’t a dream, is it??

My parents got to see my thesis today and were the amazing guests to sit with two of my best friends and boyfriend as I was recognized for my accomplishments. My parents got to see their last child in one of her most glorifying college moments.

More importantly I got to see them. I feel that I’ve seen more of my parents this past school year more than the last few but today was definitely the most important [[next to graduation of course in a couple of weeks]].

I got to see two of the most influential people in my life today, and they surprised me. I wouldn’t be the person I am without them. Even in the most difficult of times, these two extraordinary people were there to support me because they had faith that I would pull through. I wouldn’t have made it through college without their constant reminders of how much they love me and care for me. They always told me they wanted to see me succeed and never, ever, not once, told me that I wouldn’t make it. Never did they tell me that I wouldn’t graduate college. They told me that I’d succeed and that they would support me no matter what because they wanted me to be happy and successful. I couldn’t be more honored to be their daughter and couldn’t imagine loving them more than I already do.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for granting me the life I’ve had and for loving me.

As yet another semester comes to a close, it is time to reflect on all those things that have changed over the past 15 weeks, well, actually 14 weeks as we do have 1 more week and exams yet.

This semester, I have gotten to delve more deeply into my major, Special Education, with my 5 classes: methods of math, curriculum and methods of spec. ed., diagnosis and remediation in reading, geometry, and classroom management. I have found something useful in each class, I think. Methods of math has shown me that when teaching little kids about math, we shouldn't assume everything we spell out clearly actually makes sense. Such as, if we show 2 apples plus 2 apples equals 4 apples and we ask how many apples are there, then we shouldn't be surprised if they say 8 because there is actually 8 apples on the diagram even though we're only wanting the number on the other side of the equal sign. In my curriculum and methods of spec. ed. class, I have learned to make an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), write an Evaluation Team Report (ETR), and modify assignments for a student with special needs. In my diagnosis and remediation in reading class, my teacher has shown us that we can give free and very useful reading diagnostics to evaluate the reading abilities of students who may need help. In geometry, I haven't learned anything I haven't already learned, but it was a helpful refresher course when I did get into my practicum for 4th graders. And in classroom management, I have learned different models that are helpful in discipline and structuring a classroom to promote learning, motivation, encouragement, and fun. Not every class I've taken has given me as much but this semester seems to have been a good one. I look forward to one more semester of classes before I student teach in the spring next year. That's scary...! :O

I also participated in the March for Life in Washington DC back in January, saw Jeff Dunham for the first time with my friend Nicole, created a board game that was only worth 10 points but looks like I bought it :D, saw the Polar Bear Plunge for the first time, got involved in a practicum with special needs students, saw the Saints win their first ever Super Bowl, was almost in a heads on collision, had a series of snow days and several feet of snow over the semester, witnessed an awesome winters Olympics, had my first ever real Valentine's Day, my grandpa broke his hip and is still recovering, saw Ringley Brothers and Barnum and Bailey's Circus, sold my house, bought a new house, went to Spring Formal with my boyfriend, participated in the "Bye, Bye Birdie" musical, and had too much fun at Spring Fest. It has been an action packed semester and I have enjoyed almost every minute of it!

With only one week to go, I have only two projects to finish and one paper to edit but I do have three lessons to teach for my practicum. How nerve-wrecking is that!? Then I also have three sit down exams- ewww- and one take home. That'll be fun- not. Then it's out for the summer! My parents just sold our house and bought a new one- all within a week so now we have to pack everything up and take it to the new place. Fortunately for me, most, if not all, of my stuff is in the dorms so I just have to move my stuff from school to, hopefully, the new place in two weeks, but I don't know how well that'll work out. All in all, it's a new adventure I'm looking forward to even though I'm not that excited about doing it right now. :(

With all this going on, I am swamped with things to do and finish but I am having fun taking all my learned knowledge and putting it to good use. I am excited to start some new chapters in my life and I can't wait to start! :)

So this weekend is musical weekend. "Bye, Bye Birdie!" is showing at the Mount this weekend and the first two shows were Thursday and Friday night at 7:30 and two shows are left on Saturday at 7:30 PM and Sunday at 2 PM. The show is looking great so far and all of our hard work is finally paying off. I am really having fun with it. I am more or less in charge of the stage crew but you won't find my name in the program because when I came into crew this year, the information had already been sent to the printers for the program so it was too late to add my name. :( That kinda makes me sad but that's the way the world turns sometimes so "put on a happy face!" (a line from the show- lol!).

But today, Saturday, is my roommate's 21st birthday, Sam! She told me two weeks ago that her three best friends from high school/hometown wouldn't be able to come down to the Mount for her birthday so I put into motion some plans that, so far, have seemed to make Sam so much happier about her birthday! I managed to create- and PULL OFF- a surprise birthday party for her last night at a downtown hot spot. I got about 10 or 12 people to travel to Fountain Square and hang out with me and Sam last night. There was even a cake, birthday tiara, sash, and birthday necklace! Sam was very surprised and excited! I was so happy for her! :D She was very happy to see that people came out to celebrate her birthday with us: Shiv and boyfriend Brian, Tricia and boyfriend Jeff W, Allie, Nicole, Ryan, Anne and friend Jeff, my boyfriend, Chris, Rachel and boyfriend AJ, Megan M, Megan P and her boyfriend Jeff C. It was a great time and I was so happy about how well it turned out! My boyfriend and his mom were the ones that made the cake and decorated it. It was awesome! And tasted amazing too! Sam only had one fruity beverage but that's fine that we managed to get her to have at least one. :) She also spent a lot of time dancing with friends and it made her seem very happy last night! :D

I also had my other friends Molly T and Katie decorate our dorm room while we were gone so when Sam and I got back, there were streamers and balloons in the dorm room. Then after Sam left this morning to do priority registration, I decorated the dorm a bit more with streamers on the door in the hallway and balloons and then some signs saying "Happy 21st Birthday Sam!" in the hallway. Then I also managed to get two of Sam's best friends- the ones that originally couldn't come- to come down to the Mount to surprise Sam! I had them hide in the shower because Sam is more or less afraid of the shower. When Maria and I go home for the weekend or she's in the room by herself at night, she opens all the doors and the shower curtain 'cuz she's afraid there might be something hiding in it or whatever. So when I brought her upstairs today, I told her that she could have her birthday present after she got Megatron out of the shower. (Story: she watched "Transformers" by herself in the dark once and that is now why she is afraid of things being shut while she's alone at night so Megatron frequently hides in the shower.) So when she went to find Megatron, Molly A and Cara jumped out of the shower. It was priceless! She was so scared! And Molly recorded everything on her camera so I saw what her face looked like and it was awesome! I loved it! Then they went out to lunch together since Cara had to leave earlier than Molly. But Sam and Molly will be going to the musical tonight so they won't have to cut that visit short at all.

But tonight the musical should be awesome! Molly A, Sam, my parents, boyfriend, and brother and his girlfriend (whom I have yet to meet), will all be there. It should be awesome night! Now I just need to get homework done, stop getting sick (I keep developing a fever with no other symptoms as far as I can tell), and sleep some more then I should be fine! I hope... :)

I have been absolutely ALL OVER the place these past few weeks... I sit down and think about the time that has passed since the blogger lunch we had here with the team on campus and it just blows my mind.  I absolutely cannot even fathom where the time went, it just doesn't seem physically possible for me to go from being on top of things and excited about my future career to not even being sure if I will make it through the rest of the semester.  I just don't know what happened to everything.

That was a lie.  Yes I do.  Life happened, and when life wants to happen it doesn't ask you if you are okay with its decision first, it just snaps and suddenly everything you know is spinning around you and you lose your footing.  The next thing you know you're staring up from the bottom of a hole you've somehow dug yourself into.  You look at the blue sky up there above you and you can hear your friends and family going on with their lives on the surface, but no matter how hard you scream they can't hear you.  You look around for a way out, a foothold, a rope... anything, just any way out of this nightmare... but you don't find a thing.

 This is where a decision has to be made... you have two choices, to fight (and fight hard) and figure out a way up, or to sit down and let the world pass you by as you hang your head in shame.  I am familiar with this hole, familiar with these decisions as well as their outcomes and I don't like being here because it scares me.  Someone once told me that my depression was not something to be ashamed of, that it was something that made me who I am, something that, when handled the right way, I could almost be proud of.  Who was that someone??  Well, she was the someone that my parents decided to hire for me to talk to when Krystal died (like that was going to help...).  Who was Krystal??

Krystal LeAnn Delaney was one of my best friends throughout high school.  She was the third of the "Three Musketeers" and I had been through 13 years of school with her... we were READY to graduate, ready to show the world who we were and what we could do, and it was within 3 days of our grasp.  That's right, 3 short days until we were going to walk across that stage, shake Mr. Hopkin's hand, receive our diploma and say ADIOS to that one-horse town and spread our wings and fly.  We left that senior reward dinner Thursday night and headed our separate ways for the evening with dreams of graduation in our eyes.  I never saw Krystal again.  She was taken from this world faster than she had come into it, and suddenly those dreams were gone.  What should have been the happiest time of my life suddenly hurt so bad I could barely breathe!!  It was excruciating...

Now back to that person who told me to be proud of my depression what a JOKE)... I said NO!  I was tired of my life being controlled by medicine and doctors who didn't even know me, I was tired of people telling me that the grief process was depression and "it's been 6 months Megan, you should be over this, doing this to yourself won't bring her back..."  Well maybe it did take me longer than others, but I don't think anyone had a right to jump in and tell me what was wrong or what was right.  I didn't completely shut down, I still knew that what needed to be done had to get done and that my college came first, but a chunk of the very person I had been for the better majority of my life here on this earth was gone and I was trying to figure out how to go on with being myself without Krystal... I needed time to do that (and to tell the truth I'm still trying to figure it out).

The night before the blogger lunch I found myself faced with the task of preparing myself to lose someone even closer to me than Krystal was and I guess it's fair to say that it has hit me hard.  I have been feeling the icy hands of death gripping my life and my heart once again and I'm trying desperately to go on with my life and break free from this death hold... I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need to get out of this hole, I refuse to just sit here and watch the person I love waste away to nothing while I let my schoolwork pass me by.  He wouldn't want that, no... he would want me to fight hard and to be the student he has always known I am.  I suppose it's time for me to realize that what's going to happen will happen whether or not I want it to and that I need to fight, to show him that I can do this, and to make him proud before this earth says goodbye to him... It's time to get out of this hole!

 I will fight and I WILL win.

I have been absolutely ALL OVER the place these past few weeks... I sit down and think about the time that has passed since the blogger lunch we had here with the team on campus and it just blows my mind.  I absolutely cannot even fathom where the time went, it just doesn't seem physically possible for me to go from being on top of things and excited about my future career to not even being sure if I will make it through the rest of the semester.  I just don't know what happened to everything.

That was a lie.  Yes I do.  Life happened, and when life wants to happen it doesn't ask you if you are okay with its decision first, it just snaps and suddenly everything you know is spinning around you and you lose your footing.  The next thing you know you're staring up from the bottom of a hole you've somehow dug yourself into.  You look at the blue sky up there above you and you can hear your friends and family going on with their lives on the surface, but no matter how hard you scream they can't hear you.  You look around for a way out, a foothold, a rope... anything, just any way out of this nightmare... but you don't find a thing.

 This is where a decision has to be made... you have two choices, to fight (and fight hard) and figure out a way up, or to sit down and let the world pass you by as you hang your head in shame.  I am familiar with this hole, familiar with these decisions as well as their outcomes and I don't like being here because it scares me.  Someone once told me that my depression was not something to be ashamed of, that it was something that made me who I am, something that, when handled the right way, I could almost be proud of.  Who was that someone??  Well, she was the someone that my parents decided to hire for me to talk to when Krystal died (like that was going to help...).  Who was Krystal??

Krystal LeAnn Delaney was one of my best friends throughout high school.  She was the third of the "Three Musketeers" and I had been through 13 years of school with her... we were READY to graduate, ready to show the world who we were and what we could do, and it was within 3 days of our grasp.  That's right, 3 short days until we were going to walk across that stage, shake Mr. Hopkin's hand, receive our diploma and say ADIOS to that one-horse town and spread our wings and fly.  We left that senior reward dinner Thursday night and headed our separate ways for the evening with dreams of graduation in our eyes.  I never saw Krystal again.  She was taken from this world faster than she had come into it, and suddenly those dreams were gone.  What should have been the happiest time of my life suddenly hurt so bad I could barely breathe!!  It was excruciating...

Now back to that person who told me to be proud of my depression what a JOKE)... I said NO!  I was tired of my life being controlled by medicine and doctors who didn't even know me, I was tired of people telling me that the grief process was depression and "it's been 6 months Megan, you should be over this, doing this to yourself won't bring her back..."  Well maybe it did take me longer than others, but I don't think anyone had a right to jump in and tell me what was wrong or what was right.  I didn't completely shut down, I still knew that what needed to be done had to get done and that my college came first, but a chunk of the very person I had been for the better majority of my life here on this earth was gone and I was trying to figure out how to go on with being myself without Krystal... I needed time to do that (and to tell the truth I'm still trying to figure it out).

The night before the blogger lunch I found myself faced with the task of preparing myself to lose someone even closer to me than Krystal was and I guess it's fair to say that it has hit me hard.  I have been feeling the icy hands of death gripping my life and my heart once again and I'm trying desperately to go on with my life and break free from this death hold... I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need to get out of this hole, I refuse to just sit here and watch the person I love waste away to nothing while I let my schoolwork pass me by.  He wouldn't want that, no... he would want me to fight hard and to be the student he has always known I am.  I suppose it's time for me to realize that what's going to happen will happen whether or not I want it to and that I need to fight, to show him that I can do this, and to make him proud before this earth says goodbye to him... It's time to get out of this hole!

 I will fight and I WILL win.

So last night was Spring Formal! One of the biggest social events that the Mount, and especially CAB, puts on! Last year it was at the Newport Aquarium but this year it was at Paul Brown Stadium. I saw outfits there that ranged from black from head to toe, sweater vests, bow ties, dresses, gowns, tuxes, suits, mobster pin stripe suits, hats and Fedoras, Michael Jackson gloves, and many bright colors! It was quite a show of design and fashion (and sometimes lack thereof).

I had musical practice for "Bye, Bye Birdie!" earlier that afternoon until 5 so after practice was over, everyone bolted for the doors trying to get home and to the dorms to get ready for the dance. It started at 7 technically so people had enough time but most of us thought we wouldn't. Which is strange considering our director, Mary Mazuk, was one of the chaperones and she was required to be there early anyway. So of course we were gonna get out early. :P Thanks Mary!

So we all got ready; I did with my roommates Sam and Maria. Sam wore a pretty teal dress, Maria in a floral black and white, and me in a black and grey striped. My boyfriend wore blue and yellow so we didn't match but I really didn't mind. We all got to the stadium about 7:30 and then ate dinner (rolls, turkey or brisket, potatos, veggies, salad, fruit, pasta, and something else I couldn't identify). Following that, we played Monte Carlo! So gambling! We were all given 24 chips in the beginning and then you gambled them and tried to make more then cashed the chips in for raffle tickets. The prizes we had were: a plasma TV, a PS3, a Coach purse, an IPod Shuffle, an IPod Touch, 4 Red's Tickets, 2 $50 BP cards, a $100 Target card, a $50 Target card, and a $25 AMC card. The games that were there were: Beat the Dealer, Craps, Roulette, Black Jack, etc. My boyfriend and I made friends with the dealer at Beat the Dealer and we walked away with 216 chips between the two of us. We got 54 raffle tickets for them. At the beginning of cashing in, the ratio for tickets was 1:1 but gradually increased as more people turned in more chips, so we cashed in at 4:1 sadly enough. And then we didn't win anything. But I had too much fun anyway. :) The dancing was loud and fun but good.

Then all day today I was recovering from the dance and I was wiped out. My house also went on the market on Friday and we had a showing Saturday morning but now I have to make sure my room at home is spotless when I'm gone. It usually is but it has to be even better than normal so that someone will fall in love with our house and buy it! :) So it was a very quiet day.

This week will not be quiet though. I am the Stage Left Manager and Props Mistress for the musical so I have to be at the practices for this week, Hell Week. Shows are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at 7:30 PM and Sunday at 1 PM. They should be great and I'm really excited! I just have to make it through all the practices this week before I can relax. And I'll only relax a little bit before I stress out about projects coming up. But overall, life is good. :D