Wow.

That’s all I can say.

Why?

Because today was a BLUR!

“Today” started for me about seventeen hours ago, yes youheard me, SEVENTEEN hours!  I woke up at5:00 this morning because our dog Zhaxci decided he was lonely and that it wasa great time to bug Megan.  He wouldn’tleave me alone so I decided to just get up and take my shower (wasn’t gettingany sleeping done anyway).  After I wasshowered and dressed it was a little after 6:00 and my stomach told me I washungry.  You know, sometimes I am verygrateful for my stomach because otherwise I would not think to stop and eat; I’mjust too busy ALL OF THE TIME!  So, I atebreakfast and by that then it was time for me to start my morning battle withtraffic… I arrived on campus at 8:05, promptly when I had meant to.

Before my reflection with Sister Mary I went and printed myguided reflection questions off in Financial Aid where I struck up a conversationwith Mary Beth Lampe about how close the end of the semester was and howexcited I was.  Then I made my way backto the classroom and sat down with my peers as we waited for Sister Mary tostart the session.  By 9:40 (an entire 40minutes before our allotted time was up, but a good 45 minutes after my brainhad already traveled to my next exam) we were all finished reflecting on ourservice learning placements and I was headed to the food court to CRAM!

From 9:45 to 1:00 my friend and I studied our little heartsout trying to prepare for what was sure to be our demise in Dr. Green’s 1:15exam.  The time passed too quickly and asthe clocked turned to 1:00 we both felt those all-too-familiar pretest jitterssetting in.  We walked together incomplete silence to the education floor of the classroom building and sat downat our seats to join the rest of our classmates in last minutes glancing atnotes and prayers to St. Anthony that we would find the right answers.  The exam went by without flaw, and I actuallythink I did very well!  By 2:30 (a full35 minutes before the allotted time was up) Lori and I were back in the foodcourt, joined by two other friends, to look over our notes for our Math exam at5:30.  We studied, gossiped, talked abouthow ready to be done we all were, ate dinner and then went to the math floor ofthe science building to take our tests.

The math test was very simple and I was the first of ourstudy group to finish.  We had all agreedto wait until we were all finished and then go out to UDF to get ice cream…. SoI waited.  When everyone was done wepicked Chris up and headed out.  We weregoing to celebrate the sweet taste of FREEDOM with the sweet taste of icecream!  We all had a great time, everyonebut Chris was done with exams, and everyone but me was done with final projects(I just have a few loose ends to tie up) but we were ALL basically DONE andproud of it too!!

I drove home feeling great, dropped my stuff at my bedroomdoor and took a hot shower to wash the dirt, grime and slime of finals, exams,and cram sessions off of me and now here I sit…

I just took you through seventeen hours in 600 words… andthat’s how my day went by too, it went by fast and man am I thankful that itdid!  I hope everyone has a great summer…good luck to EVERYONE on any exams you may have left and I’ll see you aroundsometime!!

Adios, S209!

“However gifted an individual is at the outset, ifhis or her talents cannot be developed because of his or her social condition,because of the surrounding circumstances, these talents will be still-born” –Simone de Beauvoir

Why is it that we have gifted children, children that are extremelybright and very intelligent, children that are identified as so, sitting in ourgeneral classroom across the country bored to tears?  Why is it that my gifted nephew is in the office almostevery day at school for behavioral problems that no one in the family has everseen signs of in his 10 years on this planet? Why is it that we have our advanced learners failing out of high schoolor dropping out to go to the streets or to work?  Well I think it boils down to a lack ofaction and a lack of funding.

It is our job as future educators to know our students, and not just thepercentage of our students that are considered “normal,” I mean, after all…what is normal?  A teacher should take iton as her personal responsibility to try to reach the children in her classroomin some special way, to show them that she cares about them as more than a student– as a unique person.  Before going intothe research for my research paper for Mr. Santoro I had mixed feeling about gifted programs.  I myself am a product of a gifted program atthe middle school level and growing up I always thought it was unfair to belabeled as gifted because in my school it brought with it unfair stereotypicaljudgments.  If I went to my BYWAYS classeveryone else thought that I was getting special treatment that was allowing meto get off easy, but if I stayed in the general classroom I would be so boredthat I would just drift away and get in trouble for not paying attention.

It seems to me that there should be a way to give our gifted learnersmore support in this great country.  People wonder why there are no programs out there – well, it’s because there’s nomoney out there to run those programs and they don’t exactly pay for themselves now do they? When I researched the regulations regarding gifted education and found thatthere were NONE at the federal level I was in shock.  How can we leave these students without support,to go on their own separate ways and figure out how to adjust to their specialneeds the way I had to learn to do in high school and now in college?  To me, we are doing these children aninjustice by not helping them and to be completely honest, they aren’t blind…they know that their disabled counterparts have all kinds of money available tothem and that they themselves basically have none.  I’m in no way saying that funding shouldbe taken away from students with learning disabilities and handicaps, but these children needit too.

I have learned so much valuable information over the course of writingthis paper, it has made the whole course worthwhile to me.  I am a firm believer in thefact that you cannot possible know where you are going until you know where youhave come from.  I would not be nearly asprepared to facilitate lessons to fit the learning styles of the giftedchildren that may be in my future classrooms had I not written this paper.  Learning about the characteristics of giftedchildren and exploring the various strategies to use in the classroom with themoffered me a perspective on giftedness I had never been exposed to before.  I always looked at gifted and talentededucation as a gifted student, but this paper gave me a lens through which tolook at this exceptionality as an educator. Gifted education has come a long way from Plato’s Academy, but there arestill many steps that need to be made towards getting it to be where it needsto be to efficiently serve the leaders of tomorrow.

This image is from  http://www.nagc.org/index2.aspx?id=3134

Megan, New Jersey, 14 

Phew...

I took my to-do list of 25 things this weekend and brought it downto a list of 4 things... 21 things done THIS WEEKEND!  I was so proud of myself, but I couldn't have done it without the cooperation and support of the professors and staff at the college.  Everyone here is just amazing... the teachers actually care about your success or failure at school and they see it as their responsibility to help you succeed. That’s one of the main things I liked about the College of Mount St. Joseph when I first started looking for colleges… they were friendly.  I came back on several visits at different times of the year and each and every time I came back I still found that no onewas not friendly to me or to my parents. That family feeling is what drew me to the Mount and now that I’m here I’ve realized how important that really is.

If I had missed a midterm of a test or a field trip or an assignment at any big university like I did due to extenuating circumstances here this semester I would have been out of luck. I would not have been worked so kindly or accommodated so easily.  Most likely I would have had to entirely drop the classes that I had missed so much of, but I am doing just fine.  I have completely caught up now and I’m back on track.  The rest of the semester is full, but not impossibly so.  I will be feeling the relief of getting so much done tonight after my night class.  I will have everything that I missed turned in and caught up and will only have all of a research paper and part of a unit plan to finish up in the next week and a half!

I have been on a journey since a year ago this comingMay.  A journey that went from being asummer employment position to showing me what I want to be in the future toteaching me how to be that person.  St.Joseph showed me that I wanted to be a teacher... I would still be acommunications major right now if it were not for the fact that I got theopportunity to work in a summer school classroom last year.

  This semester in particular though, I havelearned far more about teaching to the student than I have about teaching ingeneral.  I have had more of a chancethis semester through my volunteer hours to interact with the studentsspecifically and it has been a great learning opportunity.

I have had experiences with a child that speaks a foreignlanguage and another who is from a foreign county altogether... the 3rd gradeclassroom that I work in has given me the chance to work with several childrenwho have learning disabilities and a few with ADD/ADHD.  The one central thing that I have learnedabout children with disabilities and all children in general is that seeing thechild as a person, seeing them as a whole and not just as another student to poundideas into, is the key to the success of teaching.  Each child I work with is unique in how theylearn and when I teach I need to take that into consideration the quality ofuniqueness.

These children are by far the most pleasing aspect of my servicethis semester... they make even the darkest days seem worth it.  When I walk into the classroom I amsurrounded by smiling faces hugging me and telling me they missed me.  Honestly the most displeasing thing I can thinkof is when they children ask me why I am not there with them all the time andwhy I cannot stay longer when I have to leave. For two semesters now I have been with this class and with the childrenin the aftercare program and they don't like to see me leave... nor do I liketo leave them.  As I said before, I canbe having the most awful day, everything can be going wrong and I will walkthrough those doors into that classroom and their smiles and warm embraces willwash away all of my troubles for a few hours... I know this is the right careerfor me, the kids show me so every day.

I cannot tell you the names of these children, but they are my silver lining in this dark cloud:)

I’m still doing a pretty decent job of keeping my head heldhigh guys…  I started working at 10:030this morning and I’m just calling it quits for the night right now at 8:00.

Being at home for the weekend is kind of paradoxical.  Why? Well, because it is normally very difficult for me to get any work donewhen I am at home because of my other obligations and responsibilities to mygrandparents.  But this weekend Shanecame over.  Shane is my boyfriend, and unlikepopular belief it is much, much easier for me to get work done when he isaround.  He keeps me going when all Iwant to do is quit, pushing me gently and telling me to keep my eye on thegoal.  When anyone needs somethingupstairs he’s there before I can even think about responding to the call.  When I’m hungry he’ll go get something forme, which is extremely helpful because that means I don’t have to move from mycomputer at all.  It’s just much easierto stay on task when he is here.

My to-do list still seems overwhelmingly large, but there’sonly one way to eat an elephant properly I guess… one bite at a time.  That’s what I’m doing here, I chipping offtiny pieces one slice at a time and slowly but surely I’m getting there.  Today I finished things up for Dr. Miller, sonow I’m caught up in my Reading class.  Ihave cleared away all of the little things I had left in Art so now I can focusmy attention on her final.  Tomorrowmorning, first thing, I plan to finish my praxis summaries and my chapterreviews for Mr. Santoro so the only thing I will have left for his class is hisfinal research paper.  I think I willstart to feel a LOT better about things after Tuesday next week because I makeup my midterm for Dr. Green and my test for Mrs. Smith Tuesday afternoon andthat will take a lot of weight off of my shoulders.  I just need to keep my head up and my eyes onthe prize… 

Once again I find myself on campus before my friends have eventhought of getting out of their warm beds...

I came early this morning to see if I could catch Dr. Millerbefore her 9:00 class so that I could talk to her about possibly getting andalternate individual assignment to take the place of the group assignment we'vebeen working on because I haven't been able to work with my group lately. I emailed a group member earlier this week, but she did not email meback, so I have no idea where we are with our project is at the moment. Well, it turns out that Dr. Miller not only has a 9:00 class and a 10:00class, but she also has an 8:00 class... so I hope I can catch her in betweenone of three classes.

I have parked myself in the lobby (once again) and I'm enjoyingthe quiet peace of a campus that is waking up around me.  It looks to meas if three papers are being written, a science test is being studied for andFacebook is making money.  Yep, other than professors arriving for theirclasses on this Friday morning, that's pretty much all that's going on. What do I plan to do??  Well, while I wait for Dr. Miller I plan ongetting some work done.  I need to print out my application for summeremployment here at the Mount, I need to do my WebCT reflections for my servicelearning in Santoro's class, I need to organize my thoughts and research for myresearch paper on gifted education, I need to brainstorm an idea for my unitplan for AED and I need to finish my Praxis Summaries for chapters 14, 15 and16 in SED.  Oh boy!

I'll keep pushing until it's all done, I've been through worse, I can do this, but not just by telling myself I can do it... I'm going to have to talk the talk AND walk the walk in order for anything to happen!  Wish me luck... 

Today was the day that I made that ever so important decision to put my words from my last entry into action... 

I started bright and early.  Mr. Santoro's 8:15 class was canceled this morning and while everyone else was enjoying their free class period sleeping in I was on campus already.  I decided that if I set my alarm for 5:30 and got up and stayed home that it would be no time before I was sound asleep again and I didn't want that to happen.  I had things that needed to get done and I wasn't about to let that time that I was already used to being up for anyway just slip by.  So I got up at 5:30 and was out the door but 6:00 with a packed lunch and a full cup of coffee.

When I got to campus I was one of a handful of students just arriving and I got a really good parking spot (always a plus on a long day!).  I found the empty classroom where I would normally be sitting with my peers learning about the world of exceptionalities that will greet our every waking moment as teachers in the career field.  I picked a spot by the window where the cool morning breeze would keep my mind awake and my senses alert and I pulled out my worn copy of Left Back: A Century of Battles Over School Reform by Diane Ravitch and began to carefully read and analyze the 12-page section that Dr. Green had assigned to us for the quiz we would be having in class.  It was nothing overly interesting, mostly just how radical progressive educators had gotten after the Great Depression and how many extremeist ideas there were out there about the role schools should play in society... it's worth a look if you like that kind of stuff.  I went through it once, nit picking and highlighting/underlining every important detail and then I went back and read straight through it one more time for fluidity and comprehension.  

At that point I was really getting sleepy.  I have been very sick since Monday afternoon when I came home from work with a temperature of 103 (not fun).  Anyway, I decided I needed to move, so I made my way to the lobby where I watched my fellow students all around me.  Some I knew, some I didn't; some conversations I recognized (senior thesis projects, a shake up in CAB and the very quiz I had just prepared for were among them) and some just failed to catch my attention.  I sat there for probably 10-15minutes thinking over what I had just read to myself so I could keep it fresh in my mind.  Then it was time for class so I made my way up to the 2nd floor of the classroom building and sat down in the front row of the stifling atmosphere of CL 206 and waited for the customary rhetoric of Dr. Green to announce his arrival.

"I think I may have actually gotten a 10 out of 10 on that one," I said to Chris as we headed down to the Excel department. "And you know what? I think I actually understood what he was talking about today, it didn't seem like a bunch of mumbo jumbo jibberish..." my voice trailed off as I saw the look on Chris's face (which meant that he did not feel the same way), so I decided to drop the subject for the more favorable one of what was on special at the food court today (it was buffalo chicken wraps).  After I dropped my notes off at Excel I stopped by to see Betheny and missed her, and then we headed down to the food court.  While I ate I tied up some loose ends with emails that I had out to some professors and some applications and the sort that I had unfinished floating around my desktop.  After that I put pen to paper and made out a to-do list for the rest of the semester, and let me tell YOU it's a DOOZY!  It hurts me to look at it, but at the same time it feels good to know exactly what has to be done.

Art class went smoothly, my group was understanding of my absences and Mrs. Dick cut me some slack on her grading policy, she thinks if I can continue my 'A' line of work from the beginning of the semester (before all hell broke loose) though to the end of the semester and do really well on my final that I can pull through with a 'B', but no higher than that... ugh, I wish there was something I could do about the classes I had to miss... anyway... her final will require a lot of time and effort, but to be completely honest I think I will have fun with it.  Before I left campus for work I added her final and my responsibilities for our group project to my list of things to do.... looks like thing will be getting hairy this weekend. 

Work went nicely, I hadn't seen the kids in awhile because I've been sick and Ariyanna was glad to have her Mancala partner back.  Alexus is on crutches and Aaron lost a tooth... they are so great, I love it when I go to the after school program after being on campus so long on Thursdays because they're so lively and refreshing... they just make my day!  The Howards were picked up right at 5:00 leaving Issa as the only one left.  His mother showed up at 5:15 and Ms. Dorris and I were free to go.  I-471 was shut down so I had to come home Columbia Parkway which was backed up all the way back to the city and it took me the better part of and hour to get home instead of the usual half hour.  I ate dinner and then my medicine knocked me out so I slept until 9:30 and now here we are.

Why is any of this important enough to me to be in my blog at all?  Well because just yesterday I didn't want to do anything, everyday "staples" were a big feat for me and everything I did, no matter how simple, required a great deal of effort.  But I reached that breaking point and I decided to keep pushing through no matter how hard things got.  So today "carpe diem" was my motto... and I think I did a good job of seizing the day!

Let's hope I can continue. 

P.S. I have been thinking about my first year here and all the fun I had.  This picture symbolizes a time when things were better and I was in a better place with my mind... this is what I'm striving to reach again... 

Today was the day that I made that ever so important decision to put my words from my last entry into action... 

I started bright and early.  Mr. Santoro's 8:15 class was canceled this morning and while everyone else was enjoying their free class period sleeping in I was on campus already.  I decided that if I set my alarm for 5:30 and got up and stayed home that it would be no time before I was sound asleep again and I didn't want that to happen.  I had things that needed to get done and I wasn't about to let that time that I was already used to being up for anyway just slip by.  So I got up at 5:30 and was out the door but 6:00 with a packed lunch and a full cup of coffee.

When I got to campus I was one of a handful of students just arriving and I got a really good parking spot (always a plus on a long day!).  I found the empty classroom where I would normally be sitting with my peers learning about the world of exceptionalities that will greet our every waking moment as teachers in the career field.  I picked a spot by the window where the cool morning breeze would keep my mind awake and my senses alert and I pulled out my worn copy of Left Back: A Century of Battles Over School Reform by Diane Ravitch and began to carefully read and analyze the 12-page section that Dr. Green had assigned to us for the quiz we would be having in class.  It was nothing overly interesting, mostly just how radical progressive educators had gotten after the Great Depression and how many extremeist ideas there were out there about the role schools should play in society... it's worth a look if you like that kind of stuff.  I went through it once, nit picking and highlighting/underlining every important detail and then I went back and read straight through it one more time for fluidity and comprehension.  

At that point I was really getting sleepy.  I have been very sick since Monday afternoon when I came home from work with a temperature of 103 (not fun).  Anyway, I decided I needed to move, so I made my way to the lobby where I watched my fellow students all around me.  Some I knew, some I didn't; some conversations I recognized (senior thesis projects, a shake up in CAB and the very quiz I had just prepared for were among them) and some just failed to catch my attention.  I sat there for probably 10-15minutes thinking over what I had just read to myself so I could keep it fresh in my mind.  Then it was time for class so I made my way up to the 2nd floor of the classroom building and sat down in the front row of the stifling atmosphere of CL 206 and waited for the customary rhetoric of Dr. Green to announce his arrival.

"I think I may have actually gotten a 10 out of 10 on that one," I said to Chris as we headed down to the Excel department. "And you know what? I think I actually understood what he was talking about today, it didn't seem like a bunch of mumbo jumbo jibberish..." my voice trailed off as I saw the look on Chris's face (which meant that he did not feel the same way), so I decided to drop the subject for the more favorable one of what was on special at the food court today (it was buffalo chicken wraps).  After I dropped my notes off at Excel I stopped by to see Betheny and missed her, and then we headed down to the food court.  While I ate I tied up some loose ends with emails that I had out to some professors and some applications and the sort that I had unfinished floating around my desktop.  After that I put pen to paper and made out a to-do list for the rest of the semester, and let me tell YOU it's a DOOZY!  It hurts me to look at it, but at the same time it feels good to know exactly what has to be done.

Art class went smoothly, my group was understanding of my absences and Mrs. Dick cut me some slack on her grading policy, she thinks if I can continue my 'A' line of work from the beginning of the semester (before all hell broke loose) though to the end of the semester and do really well on my final that I can pull through with a 'B', but no higher than that... ugh, I wish there was something I could do about the classes I had to miss... anyway... her final will require a lot of time and effort, but to be completely honest I think I will have fun with it.  Before I left campus for work I added her final and my responsibilities for our group project to my list of things to do.... looks like thing will be getting hairy this weekend. 

Work went nicely, I hadn't seen the kids in awhile because I've been sick and Ariyanna was glad to have her Mancala partner back.  Alexus is on crutches and Aaron lost a tooth... they are so great, I love it when I go to the after school program after being on campus so long on Thursdays because they're so lively and refreshing... they just make my day!  The Howards were picked up right at 5:00 leaving Issa as the only one left.  His mother showed up at 5:15 and Ms. Dorris and I were free to go.  I-471 was shut down so I had to come home Columbia Parkway which was backed up all the way back to the city and it took me the better part of and hour to get home instead of the usual half hour.  I ate dinner and then my medicine knocked me out so I slept until 9:30 and now here we are.

Why is any of this important enough to me to be in my blog at all?  Well because just yesterday I didn't want to do anything, everyday "staples" were a big feat for me and everything I did, no matter how simple, required a great deal of effort.  But I reached that breaking point and I decided to keep pushing through no matter how hard things got.  So today "carpe diem" was my motto... and I think I did a good job of seizing the day!

Let's hope I can continue. 

P.S. I have been thinking about my first year here and all the fun I had.  This picture symbolizes a time when things were better and I was in a better place with my mind... this is what I'm striving to reach again... 

I have been absolutely ALL OVER the place these past few weeks... I sit down and think about the time that has passed since the blogger lunch we had here with the team on campus and it just blows my mind.  I absolutely cannot even fathom where the time went, it just doesn't seem physically possible for me to go from being on top of things and excited about my future career to not even being sure if I will make it through the rest of the semester.  I just don't know what happened to everything.

That was a lie.  Yes I do.  Life happened, and when life wants to happen it doesn't ask you if you are okay with its decision first, it just snaps and suddenly everything you know is spinning around you and you lose your footing.  The next thing you know you're staring up from the bottom of a hole you've somehow dug yourself into.  You look at the blue sky up there above you and you can hear your friends and family going on with their lives on the surface, but no matter how hard you scream they can't hear you.  You look around for a way out, a foothold, a rope... anything, just any way out of this nightmare... but you don't find a thing.

 This is where a decision has to be made... you have two choices, to fight (and fight hard) and figure out a way up, or to sit down and let the world pass you by as you hang your head in shame.  I am familiar with this hole, familiar with these decisions as well as their outcomes and I don't like being here because it scares me.  Someone once told me that my depression was not something to be ashamed of, that it was something that made me who I am, something that, when handled the right way, I could almost be proud of.  Who was that someone??  Well, she was the someone that my parents decided to hire for me to talk to when Krystal died (like that was going to help...).  Who was Krystal??

Krystal LeAnn Delaney was one of my best friends throughout high school.  She was the third of the "Three Musketeers" and I had been through 13 years of school with her... we were READY to graduate, ready to show the world who we were and what we could do, and it was within 3 days of our grasp.  That's right, 3 short days until we were going to walk across that stage, shake Mr. Hopkin's hand, receive our diploma and say ADIOS to that one-horse town and spread our wings and fly.  We left that senior reward dinner Thursday night and headed our separate ways for the evening with dreams of graduation in our eyes.  I never saw Krystal again.  She was taken from this world faster than she had come into it, and suddenly those dreams were gone.  What should have been the happiest time of my life suddenly hurt so bad I could barely breathe!!  It was excruciating...

Now back to that person who told me to be proud of my depression what a JOKE)... I said NO!  I was tired of my life being controlled by medicine and doctors who didn't even know me, I was tired of people telling me that the grief process was depression and "it's been 6 months Megan, you should be over this, doing this to yourself won't bring her back..."  Well maybe it did take me longer than others, but I don't think anyone had a right to jump in and tell me what was wrong or what was right.  I didn't completely shut down, I still knew that what needed to be done had to get done and that my college came first, but a chunk of the very person I had been for the better majority of my life here on this earth was gone and I was trying to figure out how to go on with being myself without Krystal... I needed time to do that (and to tell the truth I'm still trying to figure it out).

The night before the blogger lunch I found myself faced with the task of preparing myself to lose someone even closer to me than Krystal was and I guess it's fair to say that it has hit me hard.  I have been feeling the icy hands of death gripping my life and my heart once again and I'm trying desperately to go on with my life and break free from this death hold... I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need to get out of this hole, I refuse to just sit here and watch the person I love waste away to nothing while I let my schoolwork pass me by.  He wouldn't want that, no... he would want me to fight hard and to be the student he has always known I am.  I suppose it's time for me to realize that what's going to happen will happen whether or not I want it to and that I need to fight, to show him that I can do this, and to make him proud before this earth says goodbye to him... It's time to get out of this hole!

 I will fight and I WILL win.

I have been absolutely ALL OVER the place these past few weeks... I sit down and think about the time that has passed since the blogger lunch we had here with the team on campus and it just blows my mind.  I absolutely cannot even fathom where the time went, it just doesn't seem physically possible for me to go from being on top of things and excited about my future career to not even being sure if I will make it through the rest of the semester.  I just don't know what happened to everything.

That was a lie.  Yes I do.  Life happened, and when life wants to happen it doesn't ask you if you are okay with its decision first, it just snaps and suddenly everything you know is spinning around you and you lose your footing.  The next thing you know you're staring up from the bottom of a hole you've somehow dug yourself into.  You look at the blue sky up there above you and you can hear your friends and family going on with their lives on the surface, but no matter how hard you scream they can't hear you.  You look around for a way out, a foothold, a rope... anything, just any way out of this nightmare... but you don't find a thing.

 This is where a decision has to be made... you have two choices, to fight (and fight hard) and figure out a way up, or to sit down and let the world pass you by as you hang your head in shame.  I am familiar with this hole, familiar with these decisions as well as their outcomes and I don't like being here because it scares me.  Someone once told me that my depression was not something to be ashamed of, that it was something that made me who I am, something that, when handled the right way, I could almost be proud of.  Who was that someone??  Well, she was the someone that my parents decided to hire for me to talk to when Krystal died (like that was going to help...).  Who was Krystal??

Krystal LeAnn Delaney was one of my best friends throughout high school.  She was the third of the "Three Musketeers" and I had been through 13 years of school with her... we were READY to graduate, ready to show the world who we were and what we could do, and it was within 3 days of our grasp.  That's right, 3 short days until we were going to walk across that stage, shake Mr. Hopkin's hand, receive our diploma and say ADIOS to that one-horse town and spread our wings and fly.  We left that senior reward dinner Thursday night and headed our separate ways for the evening with dreams of graduation in our eyes.  I never saw Krystal again.  She was taken from this world faster than she had come into it, and suddenly those dreams were gone.  What should have been the happiest time of my life suddenly hurt so bad I could barely breathe!!  It was excruciating...

Now back to that person who told me to be proud of my depression what a JOKE)... I said NO!  I was tired of my life being controlled by medicine and doctors who didn't even know me, I was tired of people telling me that the grief process was depression and "it's been 6 months Megan, you should be over this, doing this to yourself won't bring her back..."  Well maybe it did take me longer than others, but I don't think anyone had a right to jump in and tell me what was wrong or what was right.  I didn't completely shut down, I still knew that what needed to be done had to get done and that my college came first, but a chunk of the very person I had been for the better majority of my life here on this earth was gone and I was trying to figure out how to go on with being myself without Krystal... I needed time to do that (and to tell the truth I'm still trying to figure it out).

The night before the blogger lunch I found myself faced with the task of preparing myself to lose someone even closer to me than Krystal was and I guess it's fair to say that it has hit me hard.  I have been feeling the icy hands of death gripping my life and my heart once again and I'm trying desperately to go on with my life and break free from this death hold... I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need to get out of this hole, I refuse to just sit here and watch the person I love waste away to nothing while I let my schoolwork pass me by.  He wouldn't want that, no... he would want me to fight hard and to be the student he has always known I am.  I suppose it's time for me to realize that what's going to happen will happen whether or not I want it to and that I need to fight, to show him that I can do this, and to make him proud before this earth says goodbye to him... It's time to get out of this hole!

 I will fight and I WILL win.