I have been absolutely ALL OVER the place these past few weeks... I sit down and think about the time that has passed since the blogger lunch we had here with the team on campus and it just blows my mind. I absolutely cannot even fathom where the time went, it just doesn't seem physically possible for me to go from being on top of things and excited about my future career to not even being sure if I will make it through the rest of the semester. I just don't know what happened to everything.
That was a lie. Yes I do. Life happened, and when life wants to happen it doesn't ask you if you are okay with its decision first, it just snaps and suddenly everything you know is spinning around you and you lose your footing. The next thing you know you're staring up from the bottom of a hole you've somehow dug yourself into. You look at the blue sky up there above you and you can hear your friends and family going on with their lives on the surface, but no matter how hard you scream they can't hear you. You look around for a way out, a foothold, a rope... anything, just any way out of this nightmare... but you don't find a thing.
This is where a decision has to be made... you have two choices, to fight (and fight hard) and figure out a way up, or to sit down and let the world pass you by as you hang your head in shame. I am familiar with this hole, familiar with these decisions as well as their outcomes and I don't like being here because it scares me. Someone once told me that my depression was not something to be ashamed of, that it was something that made me who I am, something that, when handled the right way, I could almost be proud of. Who was that someone?? Well, she was the someone that my parents decided to hire for me to talk to when Krystal died (like that was going to help...). Who was Krystal??
Krystal LeAnn Delaney was one of my best friends throughout high school. She was the third of the "Three Musketeers" and I had been through 13 years of school with her... we were READY to graduate, ready to show the world who we were and what we could do, and it was within 3 days of our grasp. That's right, 3 short days until we were going to walk across that stage, shake Mr. Hopkin's hand, receive our diploma and say ADIOS to that one-horse town and spread our wings and fly. We left that senior reward dinner Thursday night and headed our separate ways for the evening with dreams of graduation in our eyes. I never saw Krystal again. She was taken from this world faster than she had come into it, and suddenly those dreams were gone. What should have been the happiest time of my life suddenly hurt so bad I could barely breathe!! It was excruciating...
Now back to that person who told me to be proud of my depression what a JOKE)... I said NO! I was tired of my life being controlled by medicine and doctors who didn't even know me, I was tired of people telling me that the grief process was depression and "it's been 6 months Megan, you should be over this, doing this to yourself won't bring her back..." Well maybe it did take me longer than others, but I don't think anyone had a right to jump in and tell me what was wrong or what was right. I didn't completely shut down, I still knew that what needed to be done had to get done and that my college came first, but a chunk of the very person I had been for the better majority of my life here on this earth was gone and I was trying to figure out how to go on with being myself without Krystal... I needed time to do that (and to tell the truth I'm still trying to figure it out).
The night before the blogger lunch I found myself faced with the task of preparing myself to lose someone even closer to me than Krystal was and I guess it's fair to say that it has hit me hard. I have been feeling the icy hands of death gripping my life and my heart once again and I'm trying desperately to go on with my life and break free from this death hold... I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need to get out of this hole, I refuse to just sit here and watch the person I love waste away to nothing while I let my schoolwork pass me by. He wouldn't want that, no... he would want me to fight hard and to be the student he has always known I am. I suppose it's time for me to realize that what's going to happen will happen whether or not I want it to and that I need to fight, to show him that I can do this, and to make him proud before this earth says goodbye to him... It's time to get out of this hole!
I will fight and I WILL win.